Till Then...

So here I am.
Waiting...
I don't like it and I don't think anyone else does either.
But this is all I can do.
This is all I can do until he makes a move.
I've done my part and now he must do his.
(If he is interested).
Sometimes I wonder about him.
If I am what he wants or if he doesn't even know what he wants.
I'd like to know.
These childhood games are getting old and the rules are disappearing.
And I'm getting quite bored of the same routine.
I want something new.
He's already showed me new things.
But I would like to build something upon that...
I know with time something may happen.
Till then,
I wait...

At night when the lights go dim
I look beneath the moon
And what I see is a simple grin
Below every grave and tomb
The dead are alive with quiet hearts
That beat with the whisper of the wind
And if you look close enough--
There is a story within
A lost love is like a lost hunger
There will be no substitute
As the pain will only last longer
Nothing else will suit
But my dear--
Let me give you some advice
As I lie here in my grounded bed
To everyone you should be respectful and nice
Because one day you'll be dead

I know this year has changed me.

No longer shall I be the girl who judged everyone.

Life has taught me many things.

I have found out that the beauty on the inside is more beautiful than on the outside.

People are still going to judge everything about me.

But from now on, I'm not going to care.

I judge myself and myself only.

I believe in letting everyone have a chance.

Everyone deserves one.

Even if in our mind they don't.

We are all trying to make it in this world.

For me, I'm finding myself.

I'm so close to knowing who the real me is.

Nobody, no matter what they say, knows you better than you know yourself.

I left public school to get away.

What did I learn from a year at a performing arts school?

Creativity, beauty, and uniqueness.

Photography helps me show the beauty you can find in anything.

Don't forget who helped you along your path.

Don't forget that you created the beauty inside yourself.

As I gaze up into the night
I search for you.
The stars can be a map--So bright
Anything--Just to find you.
I'd rip out my soul just to feel you by my side
My last breath would be yours
Right before I died.
I often wonder why the stars shine at night.
Maybe they are looking for you too
They can be very light.
Maybe they have a clue.
Anything-- to find you.
I'm fighting for breath
The stars now advance
My heart is beating to death
Now is my last chance.
I scream my lungs out
But not a sound can be heard
I'm crying as I shout
Praying to hear even one word.
The suspense is killing
My mind is being spung
These thoughts are painful but thrilling
I've found where your heart has been hung.
Finally I've found you.

Summer Confusion

In life, I've started to figure out men.
I assume they naturally sense when someone they like is moving onto someone else.
It seems as though every time I get hurt, I pick up the pieces and move on.
But! The person I am trying to get over somehow finds me and makes me feel good again.
I'm having mixed feelings.
Like mixing meds and martinis.
Such a bad combination but gives a great feeling.
My mind plays ping-pong.
Left and right.
Right and left.
Who will break my heart?
Should I give him another chance?
What will the future hold with him?
Is he ready to committ?
Once again I am drowning in my thoughts.
I'm scared to pick the wrong person.
If I give him another chance will it be worth it?
What will he think of this?
Will I be breaking his heart?
Sometimes I'm sick of being told how pretty I look or what a beautiful girl I am.
It sounds so vain but I'm serious when I say it is all I hear.
I wish someone would just compliment me on my photography or my views and opinions.
Why must everything be looked at physically?!
I want to pull my hair and scream because no one sees my soul.
They see my face and won't look farther than that!
Where is someone who I can be myself around?
Where is someone who I can laugh with?
Someone who will love all of me?
UGH.
Summer love.
I think NOT.
The way I see it, it is summer lust.
I'm dying to see what happens in the sequel.

Hearts can be smashed but still beat with every breath.
Hateful words can replay in the mind like a broken record.
Sometimes, thoughts can kill.
A chill runs down your spine in a last effort to keep you sane.
But you can't be sane.
You can't even sit still.
You want to scream.
Silence is the loudest cry for help.
No body seems to notice.
The mask you put on your face conceals your emotions.
Carefully you pull it off.
Just for that one person.
You pray to God they won't make fun of you.
Behind your mask of perfection lie the flaws you dread to show.
Tears form in your eyes to lock away your secrets.
The truth is only revealed if you reveal it.
Lies are brought on in order to protect your heart.
There is not much left to protect.
Piece by shattered piece, you show that one person everything.
Things you would never show anyone else.
Questions you never want answered.
Opinions you never want changed.
They slap you.
The mask cracks.
They tell you how stupid you are being.
They tell you what a lying bitch you are.
You can't seem to think straight.
Your heart is pounding making it harder to breathe.
You are caught in a situation you didn't wish to be in.
But you brought it upon yourself.
You are the one who wanted things back to the way they were.
You are the one who made the move.
You poured your heart out and they poured it into the sink.
Isn't this what you wanted?
Didn't you want the truth?
The truth hurts.
They don't want you in their life anymore.
They don't want you fucking things up for them.
You were a foggy window.
You wouldn't let them view the outside world how they wanted to.
You refused to respect them.
Now look at you.
With your cracked masked and tearful eyes.
You will never be what they wanted.
Open your eyes.
You failed at this.
Get a life they say.
But aren't you living one?
Block them out.
Because they have blocked you out.

Risk

At the end of the side walk you will find me.
A distance that can be daring.
Eyes will always hold the secrets.
Memories are worth sharing.

Be gentle.
Life can be fragile.
But nothing in life is done without risk.
So take my hand.
Together we will explore this amazing world.
I can feel your blood rushing through your wrist.

Your mind is being suffocated with thoughts.
Let me be your last breath.
A simply kiss can make you weak.
But you are all ready starving to death.

Please don't be so weak.
Love will make you stonger.
Let me see your heart, just one peek.
It will make love last longer.

Believe that love does exist.
Believe that love can heal.
You put my heart in a twist.
Knowing I don't know how you feel.

Sometimes I feel as though I am on a journey that never ends.
A ship lost at sea with the treasure still on board.
My mind races my heart with every breath.
I don't know who to pick.
Thoughts consume my mind like water fills my lungs.
The suffocation of it all intrigues me, but it is quite deadly.
I often wonder if I am making the right decisions in the long run.
Because so far, the short run is pretty screwed.
I forget at times who is there for me and who is trying to crush me.
Right now I could not have more mixed feelings.
I don't even know how to explain how I feel.
Drowning in my own thoughts....