What You See is What You Don't Get

This year is coming to a close.
And I've learned a lot...

Family.
Even though we can never get along but in the oddest moments,
we will still be loved by them when the world comes crashing down.
I've finally connected with my step sister and now I think of her
as a sister.
My mom and I argue more than democrats and republicans but we live and we love.


Friends.
They are the ones who pick you up when you are down. The ones
who would risk their life just to see you smile. Where would we be without friends?
I love my friends and I have made more than I have ever dreamed of making. Real friends.
The ones who will stick by your side for a long time. Those are the friends we all need.
And I've found quite a few. I'm lucky.

Love.
So I've been in love. You could say I was. I don't think of it as love anymore.
Though it took many months to move on, I finally did.
And to be honest... It made me stronger.
You will always remember your first love.
No matter how much regret I have, I will still remember him.
I know he will still remember me.
Forever and always.

Money.
This is something that is always nice to have. But I don't think life should really revolve around it.
True happiness can't be found by owning the biggest house or having the most expensive clothes.
Money doesn't keep the world going. The world keeps itself going. We just wanted order.

Happiness.
Happiness can be found in every second of every day if we looked at life that way.
Wake up with a smile. And a good attitude. It seriously helps you through out the day.
Life can be too short to never find happiness. Don't live out life without it.
Because in the end you will regret not finding it sooner.

This year has taught me many things and I'm extremely excited to see what next year will teach me.

For now, I'm still on that journey of finding myself...
But I'm also stopping to observe life and smell the roses.

For the Servantless American Cook

If I look back on everything I've ever
cooked in my soon to be 18 years of living,
only one dish comes to mind.

Chicken and dumplings.
A southern dish that's hearty and filling,
yet light enough for a snack.

Why is this entry about food you might ask?
For my 18th birthday I can happily tell you I got what I wanted.

Not only did I get the Julie & Julia dvd...
But I got Mastering the Art of French Cooking as well.
Along with a recipe keeper.

My favorite movie, my favorite cook book...
To me, I couldn't be happier as a chef.

I day dream of living the life Julia had.
France in 1949 must have been amazing.

If we as people can't bring ourselves together...
You know food can.

And it always will.

So what have I got left to say on the subject of cooking?

Make it an adventure.
Just like Julia Child did.

Open Book. Open Heart. Open Mind.

I lie here thinking...

I'm growing up.
At this thought...

I am a little frightened.
But excited.

There are so many things to experience in life.
And we all rarely see the beauty of something new.

Right?

I'm ready to travel.
And taste the world's finest food.
Along with its' culture.

So many cultures.
So many smiles.

We're all the same but different.

And we never stop to realize it.
Try to look at someone,
and see what beauty comes from them.

Whether it be from their voice, their smile, or anything else.
We're all beautiful.

We see ourselves as beautiful.
And to others, if they looked...
Could see the same thing.

Sex Wears Stilettos

More secrets are being unwrapped from
this surprise present we call life.

I was curious to know who you really were.
And now, I am finding out exactly who you are.

What happened to the little girl who loved puppy dogs?
You're growing up too fast.

I was the same at your age even though I don't
want to admitt it.

But don't look up to me as a role model.
I'm still trying to find myself.

I know you are trying to figure out who you are...
But you can wait when it comes to sex.

Believe me, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
And you shouldn't put yourself in that situation.

Is someone pressuring you?
Is someone making fun of you for waiting?

Don't crack under pressure.
Because if you do, you almost always will.

Please don't be like how I was...
It took me so long to over come my mistakes.

So you should learn from the ones I made.
If you would just ask...

Never be afraid to ask me anything.
Cause I never had anyone to ask.

Please just ask me...

Eyes of Flirtation

I dare you to move.
Reach out and hold my hand.
I'm waiting for you to make the first move.

You've seemed to unlock a new part of me.
'Cause now I'm always smiling.
And having a good day every day.

How did you do this?
Was it magic?
Or pure chemistry?

Well I believe in magic.
And for chemistry...
I've never had a passing grade in it.

So we'll have to see where this goes.
I'm ready to move.
And I'm ready to let go of the rope.

Let's free fall.
With smiles and laughter.
Sparkling eyes and shyness.

A new beginning.
Being ourselves.
And finding each other.

Paint on a brush.
Lyrics to a song.
Kiss on the lips.
Hand in hand.
A boy and a girl.

Flying with Broken Wings

I'm ready to move on.
It's time to be more graceful.
And it's time for me to find the real me.
Even though I'm told I lost the real me long ago.

I'm not who you want me to be.
I just know how to handle you and everyone else.
Yes, sometimes I get mad.
And yes sometimes I cry.

But don't we all?
Are we ready to be who we are?
Or have we been ourselves all along?
Why do people say we aren't being ourselves?

I know I have relationship problems.
Everyone knows that.
Just stop trying to set me up.
Let me make my own mistakes.

I've made so many already...
Being myself got me no where before.
But being myself makes me happy.
So what if I haven't found the love of my life?

So what if I'm only 18.
Why are you pressuring me with this?
Why is everyone pressuring me to have a boyfriend?
Let me worry about it.

Stop babying me.
I'm old enough now to do things on my own.
And I'm old enough to tell you to stop.
So please, stop.

I'm a girl with broken wings.
But I still dream to fly.
Dreaming is getting me somewhere.
And trying is too.

Someday I'll make it.
Because I have the passion to.
And I'm working for it.
I'm not settling.

Ever...

Falling Off Fences

I should have known better...
Why did I ever let you close to me?

You are an amazing actor.
Pretending like you care about me.

You change your mind so often.
Stop it.

Make a decision and stick with it.
I'm tired of childish games.

Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in a drought.
But, here's a funny thing about the rain...

It comes when you least expect it.
And it can wash away everything that was once there.

So maybe I will wait...
For the rain.

So it can wash away everything about you.
You don't know who you could have had.

You don't know what you have lost.
Maybe it is better this way.

Maybe we weren't even meant to talk.
Hell if I know...

But I do know this...
I'm not a girl who is an option.

And I'm not going to wait around to be an option.
There's someone out there who wants me.

I just haven't found him yet.

Sunday Secrets

You've moved on.
And so have I.

But I will never forget the chemistry we once had.
We kept each other sparkling.

There is one thing in this world that will always remind me of you.
But this will always be our little secret.

I always thought you told a secret about what we had.
Maybe we should both tell one.

Because we had something beautiful.
But it was shattered.

We cannot blame anyone but ourselves.
We're growing and learning.

Sometimes we just can't wait...
Sometimed we wait too long.

Don't forget me.
Because I will not forget you.

Every sunday is the same.
It's the only time I find myself looking back.

Remember our tradition?
I wish we still had it.

And I wish we could be friends again.
And start over.

But...
I've always made the first move.

Now it's your turn.

Nearly Escaping

I've been living in this imaginary life...
Pretending that one day you would be mine.

But you're not.
And you never will be.

I'm facing facts.
Though I want to face this fiction.

Nearly escaping all of reality.
Just for a moment with you.

I want to just run in an open field.
And forget everything I ever knew about you.

Refresh...
But you tend to make me relapse.

Back into this imaginary scene.
Where I don't want to be.

Where I think I have just a little chance.
Then I get thrown back into the wall.

Hitting reality.
Breaking hope.

Once upon a time I believed in you.
Secretly I still do.

You will never know though.
You're just too stubborn to realize it.

And I'm just to embarrassed to tell you.
Can't you take a hint?

I'm slowly considering what else is out there.
One step at a time though.

Too far and it will only put me back where I am now.
Why don't you give me a chance?

We were so foolish when we were younger.
We've both grown up.

But you tell me I have changed.
That I changed into what everyone else wanted me to be.

Instead of being the real me.
Which you said was good enough for you.

Yet, you won't even tell me how I have changed.
Or what I used to be.

So have I really changed?
Or have you?

Tomorrow's Hello

This could be a goodbye or tomorrow's hello.
But I'm not going to wait around for long.
You must choose.

You shouldn't have told me what you did.
Now I feel like I am just one of your options.
Your next Barbie doll being played with until there is a new one.

I couldn't sleep last night.
My mind is racing with questions and thoughts
I've never had before.

Reality has the last laugh.
The universe or mine that is...
Is falling into place.

I can't help this.
Apparently you can.
If you say such things to me.

Someone once told me love doesn't exist.
I wanted to show him he was wrong.
But I can't.

Now I'm starting to believe he was right.
He built up a wall and mine in the process.
I'm tired of trying to give someone my heart who doesn't want it.

It's such a waste...

Look right in front of you.
I was myself.
No one else.

And now I'm so scared...
I don't show the real me to just anyone.
The mask is going back on again.

Forever dreaming to take it off.
Forever wishing you would see the beauty from it.
Forever hoping you will want me.

Opening Eyes and Windows

If eyes are windows to the world...
Then why do people close them?

Are we so scared of what is really out there?
Reality has yet to sink in.

I've come to reality...
And I asked it...

Where will life take me?
Reality said where ever I wanted to go.

Funny how we look at things one way,
and someone else can see them another way.

I want to see all the pieces of the puzzle...
Before I starting putting life together.

But in the end I know that we can't.
We must work with every piece.

Before we can see another.
Before we can move on.

So here we are...
All people...

Looking for love, happiness, and money.
And we've yet to figure out the beauty of everything else.

Treasure Hunt

Upon his perfect lips which were soft as they could be
There was an imaginary "x marks the spot" just for me to kiss thee

And in my darkest hours when I wasn't ready to sleep
He would come and rescue me from my nightmares that would creep

Beneath the autumn moon upon a windy shore
When the lightning began to sing and the thunder began to roar

He would come and lay next to me pretending not smile
Because he knew he would be staying with me for more than just a while

I couldn't help but fall for him
It was just too plain to see
That a boy captured my heart along with a key to set me free

So here we lie under the stars
On a beach covered with sand

Forever remembering that those dreams of ours
can go hand in hand.

Behind Every Wall

A new story of you is suddenly being written.
Like you've finally realized what I have been saying this whole time.

Don't hurt yourself when you take that first step though.
Because it will only push you back.

And I'm thinking that will build up a bigger wall...
I've tried to knock it down before.

But I couldn't succeed.
You were just too strong.

Maybe now you  have open your eyes.
Hopefully you can see what I'm talking about.

You won't in this town though...
People here can be more than just two faced.

All you will meet are liars and cheaters.
Trust me, I've dated most of them.

It's funny how we try so hard...
To look for someone who we've never met.

And I haven't achieved meeting that person yet.
You haven't either.

Stopping to Go

I'm inspired to write.
It's like the words that I wanted to come out my mouth...
But they didn't.
I recollect my thoughts at the end of every day.

I find myself learning more and more.
But I also find myself experiencing more and more.
Life is an eye opening thing.
I see some still with their eyes closed.

When we are ready to wake up,
we will face reality.
It's tough, I'll admitt.
We can work through it though.

Have you ever stopped to smell a flower?
Or look at a beautiful painting?
Things are all around us.
And we can see them.

There are so many ways to see things in life.
You just have to get out there and try...
The first step is scary...
But I promise every step gets easier.

People are beautiful.
I tell myself everyday...
To find something beautiful in everyone.
Even when we look for flaws.

Just because someone says they don't like something
about someone, doesn't mean you have to.
It's funny how the brain works.
Once we hear a flaw we try to find more.

Not only in other people, but in ourselves.
Can't we just be satisfied?
Never...
Well, that's what it seems like.

When you work for what you want...
Everything becomes more valuable to you.
Remember that...
Because you'll take care of everything more now.

Never look at yourself and point out flaws.
Point out your uniqueness.
Your "you-ness".
Some people may look the same...

But we are still individuals.
Who have feelings.
And thoughts.
And lives to live.

So live your life and be happy.
In the end that's what we all work for...

Happiness...

Guessing Colors

They come as often as they want to.
And they leave just as fast.
Word of the wise...
Don't get too attached to them.

Because in the end they will leave you guessing.
It can be good or bad.
Who knows...
For me it was bad.

But I found out who he really was...
And I just stopped.
I can only move forward.
And I'm not looking back at what he could have been.

I'm only looking forward to see what I will be.
I'm ready to just go with it.
Pushing myself to the limit.
Or beyond it.

I wonder...
About life, love, and happiness.
I question existence on love.
For right now...

I know sooner or later it will happen.
For now I wait.
Which I don't mind really.
Only some times.

Forgetful we are...
We see what we want.
And rarely see anything more.
Look closer.

Take time to know people.
Let them know you.
But leave some mystery.
We all love unsolving them.

There's a Pink Elephant in the Room

I still feel like there is something else you are not telling me.
Like there's this big pink elephant in the room.
And only you and I can see him.

You don't tell me he is there.
You think I don't notice.
But I do.

Just tell me.
I'm here to listen.
I'm your best friend...

So please just tell me what is going on.
I feel like there is something more here.
Just like that pink elephant.

He's huge but quiet.
And you just ignore him.
But I want to know.

And I want to know now.
So if anything is wrong...
I can fix it.

I may be petite,
but I can do so much more than you think I can.
So let me help you.

My best friend...
Who I love with all my heart.
Just tell me.

Please...

Periodic Table of Emotions

With a thought in my mind I took a chance.
I was wrong before.

Maybe I was looking too closely.
Maybe I wasn't looking close enough...


As people we can only take chances.
What do we have to lose?

Memories are always being made.
Laughter is always being shared.

Time can slow down or speed up in the blink of an eye...

I wonder what this will lead to.
But I'm not going to sit up and think about it...

Let chemistry be made.
And we'll see the solution we come up with.

I'm glad you made me smile.
I needed it.

It's so refreshing.
I love it.

Don't stop.
Don't speed up.

Just take your time.

Breaking Walls of Existence

We all fall at some point.
I just haven't gotten back up yet.

I'm inching towards recovery though.
A fall like that can leave cuts and bruises.

Inside and out.

The world is full of beautiful things.
But do we stop to really look at them?

People are just as beautiful.
But do we give every one of them a chance?

If only...

I wish someone would give me a chance...
Existence is so important to us all.

I feel like I am slowly fading from this world.
Or maybe I'm falling into a different one.

My smile isn't perfect...
But don't make that an excuse not to talk to me.

Don't make any excuses not to talk to me.
Or anyone for that matter.

Don't stop here.
Keep moving forward.

Glance back once and a while.
See where life took you.

One day I will have someone...
I don't need someone right now...

But it is just a want...
Why?

I love being with someone.
I love when they hold my hand.
Or when they surprise me.

I'm lonely right now but I'll live.
Because that is all we should do until the end.

I'm thinking of this time as being more time to explore myself.
You should do the same.

Love will come when you least expect it.
I'm trying not to expect anything...

I'm finding it a little tough but I can do it.
If we put our minds to something, we can do it.

Always.

Talking Mannequins

You won't find someone real if you continue to be fake.
I've seen your work.

The sweet talk, the phone calls, and pet names...
I don't fall for it though.

I know better...

But there are so many girls out there who believe you.
And everyday you break someone's heart.

How does that make you feel?
Why do you do this?

We live in a world full of plastic.
And you are just as stiff...

Your insecurities...
You hide them well.

But you cannot hide them on a photo well enough.
Just be yourself.

You shouldn't care what people think of you.
Because once you do stop caring...

People will notice.
And maybe love will come out of it.

What have you really got to lose?
We all fail but most of us get up and try again.

Believe in second chances.
But not thirds or fourths.

I was willing to help you.
You kept pushing me away though.

So I'm done...
Until you can prove to me that you want to be helped.

Now do something...

An Amazing Regret

Give this story a proper setting.
I'm wondering if you ever deserved a chance in the first place.

When it comes down to it...
Were we right?

Just a girl looking to love.
Just a boy looking to fuck.

Is that how it was suppose to play out?
Because that is how I see it.

You were someone at some time.
To me that is...

But your chances shattered.
And there are no replacements.

We live and we learn.
Just like we move forward and not backward.

Maybe one day you will see what you could have had.
And maybe one day you will regret some decisions.

But I'm not going to care anymore.
I tried and tried to make us something.

To be honest...
I really wanted us to be something.

Because I thought you were amazing.
Now...

I see you as the guy I couldn't help but like...
Who tore my heart into pieces..

And never put them back together like they do in the movies.
Reality is a bitch.

And I am the fool who liked someone who could never like me back.

Lost in a Language

Every moment seems so shocking.
My thoughts are running in circles.

Is this really her?
Or is she exploring herself more?

I know she is exploring other people more...
God...

I want to be a best friend.
And I want to help her.

But how do you help someone who doesn't want it?
Or thinks she doesn't need it?

Every word being spoken is kept.
And I'm still praying she will forgive me for this.

What happened to the girl I used to know?
The girl who I would laugh with and dance with.
The girl who made time to shop and have dinner with me.

Where did she go?
And will she ever come back?

Please I'm begging you in advance to forgive me.

You Lost Me at Hello

My wings are torn.
And I'm finding it difficult to fly away.

Maybe I'm not supposed to just yet...
I'm waiting for the rain and my wings to heal.

My last battle took me far and hurt me badly.

I'm willing to forgive.
But not willing to bring it up again.

You will never know that this is about you.
I pick and choose.

I pick my inspiration.
And I choose how to write it.

Plain and simple.
Easy as can be.

For now...
I'm waiting.

No longer for you though.
You lost me at hello.

I'm sorry things didn't work out.
Everything can't though...

That's why I'm just inching forward.
I'm cautious.

Once upon a time I was caged with fear.
Now...

Slowly, I find myself becoming adventourous.
More open and willing.

I can't forget you though.
At one time you were someone to me.

But now I just remember your face and your name.
Other than that, I don't know.

I choose not to know.
Just because I can.

A Star Told Me So

What if I told you...
That the world is full of mystery?

Because it is...
But you are just as mysterious my dear.

Beyond your eyes are things I long to see.

Secrets, thoughts, opinons, and dreams.

I can only wait until you are ready to show them to me.

I've shown you my dreams and my fears.

But not my thoughts and secrets.

I'm not ready to share those...

What if I said....

That beyond the highest cloud lies my dreaming star?

It does.
And it was talking about you...

Ready or not that star may fall.
Or it may race.

Just like my heart when you are close to me.

Falling into a world unsure of its' fact and fiction.
But wanting to know what is there.

I'm scared and nervous.
Just like you.

Even though, you pretend not to be.
Which I do sometimes too.

But are we ready?

My dream is...
Because a star told me so.

Now I'm just waiting for you.

Movies Credits and Questions

I feel so helpless...

What can I do in a life other than mine?
I don't know where my life will take me.
Or where hers will take her.

But I know I don't want her there.
She told me to trust her.
And I do.

This is a balancing act...

This life is making reality far from reach.
Could this real?
Is this really what is going on?

I don't understand.
Do I want to?

My mind and my heart are battling.
Do I follow my mind in an effort to keep her safe?
Or do I follow my heart and let her find herself in this way?

I wonder why we look at the things in life we shouldn't.
Is it because we are told not to, that we do?
Or is it because we never had what is there?

Is she tasting reality?
Or is she tasting a man's fantasy?

Is this act a cry for help?
Or a cry for acceptance?

If only I could figure this out...
In limited amount of time...

Lost in a world full of beauty and mistakes.
Living with guilt or living with relief.
Loving someone who makes you yourself.

A Secret within a Secret

I'm questioning right and wrong.
I'm wonder if what I am doing will be right.

But I'm also wondering how she will react to this.
I want to save her.

I cannot live with the guilt if anything should happen.
She told me to keep this secret.

But this secret must be revealed.
Her life depends on it.
Even though she doesn't know it.

I'm praying that she will forgive me for
what I am about to do.

And in the end I hope she knows how much I love her.
Without my best friend I would be nothing.

There's crumbled up notebook paper
all around me.

Ideas are flowing.
And I can't find the words to say.

I must do this.
I care for her so much.

With tears in my eyes,
I will fight for her life.

Because there is no way
that I will let anything happen to her.

I pray to God...
Please let her know how much I love her.
And how much I care about her.

This situation is somewhat different than most...
But I'm ready to handle this.

Not only as a best friend,
but as an angel.

I'm protecting her.
Whether she wants me to or not.